Whenever I've seen the first weigh-in on "The Biggest Loser" I've been puzzled. The contestants usually get emotional and cry, and some of them look surprised. Surely they know how much they weigh! thought I.
After yesterday, when my weight was posted online for all to see, I finally get it. It is one thing to know you are overweight, obese even. It is a whole other thing to reveal your weight for all to see. I feel exposed, stripped down.
It's kind of silly, really because being overweight isn't like a gambling or drug addiction that can take your friends and family by surprise. My problem is obvious, my belly rolls and double chins are always out there for everyone to see.
But that doesn't change the fact that all day yesterday I kept feeling waves of embarrassment. Kind of like when you are dating someone and get dumped. You'll be going about your day then you suddenly remember the hurt and the sadness rolls over you. All day I kept thinking, "People know how much I weigh! How awful!"
I'm so embarrassed by my weight I haven't even told my family about this competition. My family who love me and would support me are left in the dark because of my pride. Even though I know THEY KNOW I am fat, I just can't quite tell them what my weight is. I just picture them saying, "Two hundred and sixty pound! WOW she is really fat!" Because, well, that's what I feel like!
And forget about the people I went to high school with. I think I emailed one person to tell them about the competition. I just can't bear the thought of them knowing I am fat. Maybe as I work through this competition I will become braver and tell other people. But for now this much exposure is all I can take.
Sigh. I'm so ready to not be fat anymore.